Wow, usually, consistency isn't something I excel at. So much so, that for me to do something four days in a row is pretty impressive. I actually don't know what I would do if it weren't for my kids keeping me going.
So, I still don't feel all too great today. I got stuck in a book about a lawsuit and it pretty much sucked away the first half of the day. It was sunny though, and that helps, and pretty warm. I wish I could shake this funk I have been in. It seems like it has dragged on for quite some time. Keeping track of how long things persist isn't really a strong point of mine; pretty much all I usually know is that it started before today. That's one reason I thought writing a blog might help. I can look back at a glance and reread what I've written. I know I can do the same in a journal, but I always seem to forget I even have a journal after a couple of days.
I guess I am just pouting. It took an act of God for me to plan, organize, and execute moving from Texas back to the Pacific Northwest last year. I planned for close to a year and a half. I prepped my kids, researched exactly where I wanted to live, studied everything about this place. Then we got up here and I completely fell in love with it. The trees, the water, the people, everything. Then I fucked up getting into the local law school and now, after everything, I have to move again! It pisses me off! I don't want to move again. If there is one thing I hate in this world it's moving. I lived in a shit hole house in Texas, mold, sinking floors, paint literally falling off the walls, for six years - because I hate moving that much. I can't stand the thought of doing it all over again. I feel like I have failed my kids. I assured them that when we got up here, this was it - no more moving. We were done. I lied. I feel like I have betrayed them. If I want to go to law school, I have to do it. I have to pack everything back up and do it all again. I am furious with myself. I feel like everyone in my family is comparing me to my mother. My sociopathic mother. By the time I graduated from high school, I had attended 28 schools, I had lived in over 40 different "dwellings." I swore I wouldn't be like her. I feel like when I tell my family that I have to do this in order to be a lawyer that they are thinking, "yeah, just like her mom - a justification for everything." And that, too, pisses me off. I don't think I'm like her. We have only moved once since the divorce almost 3 years ago, and that was to move up here. But I hear it in my head just the same. That I'm fucking them up, too. That I'm pulling the rug out from under them just as they are planting their feet on the ground. That I'm no better than her.
Hopefully, tomorrow will be better...
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