day two

I often wonder if I'll always be alone.  Is that my fate, my lot in this life?  Am I focusing on my career and children to sabotage my own personal life.  Or maybe I'm just focusing on one point in my life that I am not happy with.  But I'm lonely, I would like someone to share my daily life with.  Someone to call with exciting news or to hear their exciting news.

Anyway, today I feel much better than even yesterday and way better than I did on Monday.  I feel a bit more alive, a bit more enthusiastic about my future.  It probably has something to do with the fact that I got up this morning and went out, I didn't immediately begin work on the dent in the couch.  I'm moving to Portland in the summer and I really need to find a house.  Not knowing where I will be living really stresses me out.  I spend all day surfing Craigslist until all of the houses are no longer blue links, but are now purple.  I just wish I knew.  I would like to purchase a house, to have a place to call my own, but I don't think that will happen anytime soon.  I just don't have enough money saved up.  Hell, I barely have enough saved up to move, much less put down on a house.  I really want my kids to feel like we are set, not moving, that they can paint their rooms, unpack, and feel a sense of ownership in their own space.

This morning, rather than planting my ass on the couch, I took my boys to see their therapist.  They are still really struggling with recovering from all their father put them through.  They are still so angry, still so afraid.  Frankly, I'm tired of them being so afraid of him.  He's so far away, he's not allowed to see them, yet they still curl up in a ball when they talk about him.  I hate him.  I wish I could tell him how he destroyed this family, how hard they have to work to reclaim their own lives, how hard it will be for them to be successful in their future.  I hate him.  I don't often feel such strong feelings about people, but I really just hate him.  An old therapist would tell me that I'm keeping myself connected to him by maintaining my hatred toward him.  That makes me angry with myself.  I think I'm caught up in my negativity.