wednesday

I know I have a lot to be thankful for.  I have great kids, live in a beautiful part of the country.  My kids and I are healthy.  So why can I not be happy?  Why am I struggling with just smiling lately?  I am frustrated by the constant struggle to go to school.  Now I have issues with getting my financial aid straightened out.  I am so tired of the constant struggle with life.  And don't think I don't know that everyone has their own struggles.  Everyone has their own story.

Today, after I got off the phone with the loan people I started crying.  I couldn't collect myself even though I could hear the footsteps coming up the stairs to my front door.  I wiped my eyes but knew it was ultimately pointless since my eyes were puffy and red.  The two women who stood at my front door immediately saw that I was upset as they said they wanted to share some "words of encouragement" from the scriptures.  I immediately told them this was not a good time and turned and walked away from my door.  In retrospect I see the irony in the situation.  There I was frustrated and crying because I felt so defeated and there at my door was perhaps the answer.  When I lived in Texas we were very active in the church, but when we moved up here we did not go back to church.  Maybe that was God giving me the answer to my problems.  My faith has faltered over the last year.  Maybe I need to look at that...