feeling better

So, after having a total breakdown yesterday and crying my eyes out, I have realized that I really can make this whole law school thing happen.  I have come entirely too far to quit now.  I will go to law school.  I will make it work.  I'm feeling so much better.  I just really want to have my own life, with my own ability to provide for my own resources.  Even if I don't get the loan stuff worked out, I will still make it work.  We'll be poor in the mean time, but it will pay off in the end.  I know it will.

The other thing that I think keeps me feeling down is the fact that I'm alone.  I really wish I had someone with which to share my daily life.  I know I've mentioned this before, but I wonder if it's just my fate to be alone.  But I really don't think it's anybody's fate to be alone, we are gregarious creatures, right?  I also realize that I will be focusing very much on my career right now, maybe it's just not the right time.  But it still sucks to be alone.  Wouldn't all of this be easier if I weren't alone?  But I guess it wouldn't be if that other person was abusive, and that's the only type of person I seem to be able to attract.  It's safer to be alone - that's for sure, for both me and my kids.

Several years ago I went to a trauma recovery facility in Florida.  This facility focused on helping people reclaim their lives after surviving trauma (obviously).  Before this, I had no idea how to separate myself from my abusers or that that was even an option.  They helped me to learn how to define myself aside from the abuse I suffered. Abuse victims tend to maintain attachments to their abusers because they held so much power over them.  They learned to rely on their abusers to define them which only served to exacerbate the abusers power over their victim.  Anyway, if it hadn't been for Florida, I may never have understood the power I had to claim my own life.  It's an awesome feeling, sometimes overwhelming, but really exciting.  Sometimes, when I dare to allow myself to feel good, I feel like a flower about to bloom, bursting into life.  To say it's exciting seems a ridiculous understatement.   

Today, I feel a bit of that excitement...