Sometimes I just want life to be easy. Sometimes I just want things to work out with little (or no) effort. I feel like everything is a god damned fight. It gets exhausting. Now I have to fix credit issues in order to get my student loans for law school. Shit. Once again I have to go beg for mercy, explaining that I will ALWAYS have crappy credit if I can't go to school to get a decent job. It's kinda like a catch 22, I can't get a better education in order to make more money in order to pay all of my bills properly without the loan that is requiring excellent credit. What the hell???
Anyway, today I did nothing. I sat on my ass and looked for houses and talked to the financial aid office and the credit reporting company. I just want life to be a bit easier. I want to be comfortable, not rich, not fancy, just comfortable!
When I get so frustrated by the difficulty of life, I wonder if I am just grasping for life outside of my "station." Maybe I'm just asking for too much. Maybe I need to concede to the fact that I am a loser and honestly do not deserve anything better than a life of struggle, of difficulty. And all of this just reinforces my recent concession that I am probably going to be alone for the rest of my life, too. Is this my lot in life? To be not only alone, but poor too??? How can that be? Sometimes I feel like I have paid my dues, I have suffered enough. It's my turn to have some happiness, some prosperity and success. It does drive me to fight, to struggle to get what I want, what I feel like I honestly deserve. Or is that just arrogant? I was told once when I was in a trauma recovery facility that just because we (the patients) suffered ridiculous amounts of trauma, that the world doesn't owe us anything. That we are no more deserving of happiness and success than anybody else. But I do. I feel like I am sick of being poor, of being alone, of struggling. I DO deserve to finally have happiness in my life. I DO feel like I have put up with enough shit in my life that I won't put up with it anymore. I WILL fight to get what I want, I WILL get to a point in my life where I don't have to decide between paying my bills and buying groceries for my kids. I am so sick of this!
But what if I can't get the loans I need for school? What am I going to do??? I will totally freak out! I just might lose my mind (again)! It just has to work. I feel like I've come to far for it to fall apart now. I honestly feel like God could not have possibly brought me this far just for it to end now. I've come to damn far...
Ya know, I didn't start this blog just to bitch the whole time. I wanted to talk about this great new life I'm building for myself. I think I thought I could brave being positive, but I haven't really accomplished that yet...
maybe tomorrow...
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